Monochrome

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the States!

I have done nothing constructive all day, and have been in a very indecisive mood - wandering about aimlessly, picking things up and putting things down, going into a room and then forgetting why I went in there.

When I gave my speech about Zimbabwe to a high school class earlier this year, I began it by saying, "When I was crouching in a safe house on a Zimbabwean farm, hiding from Mugabe's militia, I never thought I would be here talking to you." I often think this. Sometimes I stop in the middle of my day and think "What am I doing here? How did I get here?" It's not that I don't like being here in New Zealand. I do. I'm very lucky. But some part of me does feel like my life split in half when I left Zimbabwe, that there's some other Andrea who is still living in Harare.

This quote from an interview with Peter Godwin (author of When a Crocodile Eats the Sun and Mukiwa) sums it up for me:

'Though a British audience may have a particular interest in Zimbabwe, there is also a profound foreignness to the tale Godwin tells. We live in a place where, as he puts, we have "clear sight lines to past and change seems to evolve in organic, bite-site, calibrated chunks". By contrast, Zimbabwe is a place where there is no continuity but instead a series of seismic and unpredictable shifts.

'The pace of change has left Godwin rootless. In such a context, his two memoirs represent his best stab at rootedness. "Writing," he says, "is the way I deal with things. Writing it down will make it safe... Otherwise what has happened is just too sad. It's just literally, terminally sad. And writing is all I've got."'

This expresses perfectly how I feel. In Zimbabwe, I never knew what was going to happen from one moment to the next. Here, I can plan for things. I know I will be alive next week, for example. I know that I will still be able to buy milk and bread at the supermarket. I know that my money will be worth roughly the same amount tomorrow, next week, next month. But in gaining security, I have lost something else. I feel like have lost my adventurous spirit, to some extent. I have always been a perfectionist, but now I feel like my routines and control are the only things standing between me and complete chaos. I am aware of how quickly things can fall apart, and I am always afraid that it will happen again. I don't want to be like this. I want to be more willing to take risks again.

It has taken me six years to be able to examine my experiences there. Six years! I can't believe it has been that long since we left. I spent so much time this year writing my book, and I have so much invested in it. I want so desperately for it to be published, and I'm so scared that it won't be. But that is something over which I have very little control at the moment - it's up to the UK agents who have it. And if they all reject it, I'll send it directly to publishers here in New Zealand. And if that doesn't work, I'll think of something else. Meanwhile, I'm working on a second book. That is all I can do, really. Keep calm and carry on, as the World War II poster says!

As far as my confusion about Zimbabwe and fear of the future goes, I guess that's something I am working through gradually. I can't expect everything to be 'fixed' at once (although my not-so-inner perfectionist disagrees).

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone who celebrates it. We have so much for which to be thankful. Among other things, I'm very thankful for all of you!