Gift horses and such

A bit of a personal post, sorry - I've driven myself mad today going in circles around my work, and wanted to pick your collective creative brains ('picking someone's brain' is really a disgusting term, isn't it? Horrible mental image of someone fiddling inside a brain like an ape performing a social grooming ritual. But anyway).

I struggle a lot with guilt. Guilt that I'm not doing enough, or not doing more. It means that I find it hard to enjoy anything unreservedly. In the middle of something I love doing, I'll stop and think, "this isn't good enough, you're wasting time, you should be doing something else, it's taking you too long, you should be further along than you are, you should be able to cope better, work harder, work longer hours, you should have achieved more in your life by now." I spend a lot of my day listening to myself say things like this. This constant mental argument is exhausting.

One of the things that's making me most guilty at the moment is that I'm doing what I love. I know this sounds weird, but bear with me. I have enough money, plenty of time, and I'm writing full-time. This is what I have always wanted to do. There's a big part of me, however, that's waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm almost waiting to be punished, as if this great good fortune has to be balanced out by something awful - as if I don't deserve it. I guess I'm looking the gift horse in the mouth and attempting to send it back. It's not rational, but it's a surprisingly strong belief, and I'm fighting with myself in an attempt not to act it out.

I have a tendency to self-sabotage. When something's going well, or I have a big opportunity, I often (and usually subconsciously) mess it up. I only realise this well after the fact. I avoid a potentially important meeting by getting a panic attack, fail to return a call that could lead to new and exciting work, back out of something that sounds fun because I worry I'm not going to be any good at it (this is where self-sabotage and a destructive tendency to perfectionism combine in one neat package. The mind is a wonderful thing). I think the urge is stronger now because I have nearly finished the Masters, and my safety framework is about to disappear. When the Masters is done, I'm not going to be working towards a degree - I'm just going to be writing, for better or for worse.

So, here are the ways I usually act these feelings out:

1) Avoidance - speaks for itself, really.

2) Psychosomatic Girl Strikes Again - I get sick in one way or another.

3) Resistance - this can appear as crazy restlessness that has me chasing my own tail, or as a sudden loss of interest and enthusiasm.

4) Misplaced virtue - for example, "I should get a proper job, it's not fair on LOML." (Read: "I'm scared of trying and failing and I'm conveniently finding a seemingly reasonable and unselfish reason not to try"). LOML wants me to be doing what I'm doing. We don't need more money. We don't have kids or a mortgage or anyone relying on us (well, apart from Mink and the goldfish, but their needs are simple. The pot plants fend for themselves - they have to, I'm erratic with watering).

Do any of you have this 'proper job' belief? Do you know where it came from? I can't pinpoint exactly when this idea was instilled in me - it didn't come from my mum, I know. My stepdad certainly had his thoughts on the matter, but I don't think the things he said could have seeded such a strong belief. There is a very big part of me that believes work 'should' be from nine to five, Monday to Friday, that it 'should' be difficult and that, if I'm happy and enjoying what I'm doing, it's not 'real' work and it's not a 'real' job. It's like I secretly believe I have to be unhappy to be a proper adult. It's weird. I really want to give myself permission to be a writer without guilt.

I guess I'm wondering whether any of you share these tendencies, and how you deal with them. I've found affirmations very helpful in the past - any other tips?

On a completely different subject, thank you so much for all the questions you left in the comments of the previous post - they're great! Can't wait to answer them.