"Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things." - Winston Churchill(Yes, but some of us would much rather take an aspirin and ignore it).
I used to be absolutely dreadful at taking criticism of my writing. Like a lot of writers, I can be ridiculously sensitive and insecure when it comes to my work, and it didn't take much to make me defensive and hurt. I was also a big fan of the "Oh, I just dashed this off last night. And I haven't given it a proper edit yet" excuse (The sartorial equivalent: "Oh, this old thing? Just something I threw together," which everyone knows is a lie). It was a form of self-preservation: if they loved it, I felt good because I had produced something good in five minutes. If they didn't, well then, it wasn't because I lacked talent but because I had only spent five minutes on it. I'm sure you can see how ultimately pointless this strategy was.
It took several years and lots of bumps and bruises, but I think that now I'm able to listen to criticism relatively objectively, and apply it where needed (most of the time). I've compiled a brief list of guidelines that I think will help with asking for, accepting and acting on critique - just my opinions, but I hope that some of them will be useful!
Whom do you ask?
In general, it is not a good idea to ask family, close friends or partners for a critique. I say 'in general' because, of course, there are many exceptions. LOML, for example, is a great beta reader. He has a naturally critical, logical mind and is blessed with the personality trait of brutal honesty. I'm very lucky. My mother, however, would be a dreadful beta reader, as she would wander off and forget what she was supposed to be doing. I also have some wonderful friends who are avid readers - and a couple of them very decent writers - whom I would never, ever ask for a critique because I know that neither of us could be objective.
Only give your work to people whose opinion you trust and respect. Don't give it to someone who you think is a bad writer, or at least worse than you, as you'll discount their critique as soon as it arrives. (It might also be interesting to ask yourself why you chose this person in the first place). If you are part of a writers' group or a writing class, the pickings are rich. Don't worry if you don't have writerly friends you want to ask, though: avid and discerning readers can give you just as good a critique as fellow writers - and they'll raise some interesting points that writers, mired in the words, may miss (Can't see the wood for the trees, and all that). Choosing someone who reads within your chosen genre has obvious benefits, as they will have a more specialised take on your manuscript.
Establish a deadline
This can be a bit of an awkward subject to broach, particularly as your reader is performing the service for free. Remember that you are asking a huge favour, that critiquing a manuscript is difficult and time-consuming, and that people read and work at different paces. It is a good idea to establish a rough timeline, however, to keep your reader motivated and to make sure you receive the critique in good time.
Just a small note of caution: be aware who has your manuscript at any given time, and ask for it back when your reader has finished. You don't want an early draft floating around in the ether for anyone to read.
No disclaimers
Don't give your work to a reader with the addendum "I wrote this really quickly/it's the first thing I've written in months/I haven't read over this yet", or any of the other excuses that trip gaily off your tongue when you're about to give your baby up to be criticised. There are only two reasons to give disclaimers:
1. You actually think that your work is rushed, rough and not reader-ready. In which case, why are you giving it to a reader?
2. You think your work is pretty good, and that people will be extra-impressed if they think you did it in five minutes or never practise your writing. They really won't be.
Take charge of your critique
I think you will get the most thorough and focused critique if you give a sort of study sheet to your reader along with the actual manuscript; a list of things to which you would like him or her to pay special attention. Of course, they are free to raise other points as well, but it will be helpful to both of you if there is some focus to the feedback. If you are a decent writer, you will be aware (however reluctantly) of the potentially weak points in your work, and the experimental bits that you hope will work but could fail miserably. You will also be aware of your own personal pitfalls and bad habits. The list will enable you to weed out these potential problems. It is also an opportunity to work with your readers' strengths. If you know someone who's very good at analysing film plots and pointing out where they fail, ask them to pay particular attention to the plot. You get the idea.
I would also suggest being clear on how you would like to receive the critique. I'm a fan of written critique - then, if I have an unpleasant emotional response to a comment or suggestion, I'm having it all by myself and not in front of the critic. It also makes it easier to refer back to the comments when you're making changes, and I believe a critic is likely to be more honest when they're not criticising your work to your face.
If you do choose to receive the feedback in person, however, make sure you are feeling strong. Try to stay unemotional in the face of good and bad comments. If you burst into tears when they tell you they found a typo, they will (understandably) be reluctant to carry on, and will probably temper the rest of their comments. If you get angry or overly emotional in any way, they might not agree to read your work again. They're not criticising you as a person, even though it might feel that way (particularly if your work is at all autobiographical).
Examine your motives
Make sure you are choosing your reader and giving up your manuscript for the right reasons - it will save you some heartache and wasted time. These are just a few examples of possible motives. There are many more.
THE WRITER
1) You're feeling pretty good about yourself and your work. You want someone to give you a pat on the head and confirm that your writing is as awesome as you think it is.
Really not a good idea to ask for critique, then. If all you want is someone to tell you that you're the Best Writer Ever, then call your mother or someone else who loves you unconditionally. There's nothing wrong with doing this (occasionally) - we all do! Just don't disguise it as a desire for brutally honest critique. You'll regret it. Like those tone-deaf people on American Idol.
2) You're feeling down about your work and you're looking for some encouragement
I feel for you, I really do. Again, though, it may not be the best idea to ask for critique here unless you give your reader some parameters. Maybe tell them to lay off the spelling, grammar and continuity for the moment, and concentrate on your story. Does it make them want to read more? Do they like the characters? It's even all right to ask them to tell you just The Good Stuff about your work, if you need a pick-me-up. Postpone the harsh critique. The desired result here is to get enough encouragement to keep trucking on.
I gave a set of poems to a friend once - not for critique, just for a bit of encouragement. I did not make this clear, obviously, because the poems (some of which were deeply personal and which referenced people and events she knew) came back to me absolutely covered in red pen and critical comments. It was awful. And entirely my fault. I was not ready for a critique.
Be aware, as a writer, of what you truly want - not what you think you ought to want - and ask for it. If you're only three chapters in and you just want some encouragement to keep going, tell your reader. If you want a critique of the plot and structure but you're not too concerned about grammar and typos at this stage, tell your reader. Be clear.
3) You genuinely want a thorough and honest critique of your work.
Hooray! This is a tough but valuable place in which to be: when you feel strong enough to give your manuscript to beta readers and tell them to be as anal-retentive, nit-picking, brutal and critical as possible, because you can take it. I am writer, hear me roar.
THE READER
1) They could have a negative agenda (not often, but it happens). For example:
They don't like you/your writing/your story and they can't put those feelings aside to give you an honest critique.
They are embittered or frustrated about their own work, and they want you to feel just as embittered and frustrated.
They are jealous of you and want to take you down a peg or two. Sometimes they are blocked writers and resent your productivity.
2) They don't feel much enthusiasm about your work, or they agreed to read it out of politeness. This means that they don't devote the time and attention to your work that it needs (or never finish it at all), and give you a half-hearted, vague critique.
3) They genuinely want to help you with a thorough and honest critique. These people are valuable. Treasure them, treat them well, mildly stalk them.
If you are both approaching the critique from a position of honesty, encouragement and support, the results will be helpful. If not, not so much.
If you are a reader ...
... Be aware of what the writer wants from you, and respect it. This is not an opportunity to foist your own ideas and style onto the writer, or to act out your own agenda. If you agree to read someone's work, you are agreeing to act in their best interests. If you don't think you can do that, don't agree to critique.
Be brutally honest, but be kind. Simon Cowell is good television but not necessarily a role model. Remember that your words matter. No matter how objective the writer tries to be when she hears your critique, she will take your words to heart - good or bad - and probably remember them for a long time. Be aware of this. This isn't to say you should temper your criticism, be dishonest or pander to her: just be aware. Words matter, and they are permanent.
Treasure the praise
We tend to remember the criticism far more vividly than we remember the good stuff. I have all the bad comments on my work memorised, and can recite them in a loop when asked (great fun at parties, as you can imagine). Make an effort to remember the praise just as vividly. I used to keep a little notebook in which I recorded the compliments I received, which I know sounds a little twee, but it works wonders on those days when you're convinced that you are The Worst Writer of All Time. If you remember an especially treasured compliment, put it up on your inspiration board, or on your screen.
Writers' groups
This post has focused on the one-on-one relationship of writer and beta reader, but it's also worth mentioning that many-headed monster, the writers' group.
"Every group is different, and often, groups are organized on the basis of friendship or general affinity, rather than shared genre or level of writing experience — or, as many hard-working group veterans know to their cost, familiarity with standard manuscript format and/or the rules governing the use of the English language." - Anne Mini.You will get the best results out of your writer's group if there is a similar level of talent and dedication between you. If you are working with a group of hobbyists and you want to pursue writing as your professional career, you are probably not going to be challenged and constructively criticised enough to improve. If you are lucky enough to have a really great group, however, take advantage of it.
Acting on critique
Bad criticism is vague, personal and destructive. Constructive criticism is specific, objective and not only aims to improve the work, but also suggests ways in which it could be improved.
I think that we have a gut feeling when it comes to our work. We usually know, deep down, when something isn't working. Good, helpful criticism may sting at first, but it should also make us think, "Aha! So that's it." It should open doors of possibility, not slam them shut.
If you don't feel that intuitive sense that the criticism is good or bad, then approach other people with the same problem. If you hear the same criticism from all or most of them, you should almost certainly change it. I completely overhauled my last manuscript when I started hearing the same comments from several different agents. It was painful and difficult, but when it was finished, the book was a million times better. And I signed with an agent almost immediately afterwards!
Gratitude
Thank your critic, no matter what they say. Critiquing someone's work is hard, time-consuming and does not have a financial pay-off. Even if they ripped your work to shreds, they have done you an enormous favour. Take them out to coffee, buy them flowers and say thank you!
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