Progress rather than perfection

Hmm, that is something I struggle with. I want things to be brilliant right away. I don't enjoy being a beginner at anything.

My husband and I went rock-climbing yesterday. I haven't been for a couple of months, and my muscles were rebelling against me. Even in fairly low-rated climbs I was finding it hard to stay on the wall - my fingers just wouldn't grip and my body didn't have enough oomph to push me up to the holds. I got really frustrated with myself, and even a little tearful. I started kicking the wall when I was hanging in the harness, and snarling at my poor husband, who was belaying for me, when he offered suggestions. Eventually I managed to complete a couple and get some sort of sense of achievement, but I was berating myself the whole way through and really didn't enjoy the time there until it was over (and I spoiled it for LOML, too).

This is stupid. I can't expect to be perfect if I haven't been practising. And all that self-talk ... "You're so stupid, you're no good at this", blah blah blah. I wouldn't talk to anyone else the way I talk to myself inside my own head.

This carries over into my writing as well. I want it to be perfect right away and get hugely impatient and annoyed with myself when it isn't. Really, all it requires is practice and diligence, and gradual progress will be made.

I can also sometimes be resentful of criticism, no matter how constructive, and think "well then, the whole thing is obviously terrible so I should just scrap it". A very extreme reaction which, I think, is self-preservation in disguise: it's easier to flounce off dramatically and abandon a project than it is to work through the blocks, trudge on, do the miles, work with criticism, endure the whole long process of making a piece of work better. I'm learning on this book that progress is what matters, not perfection. Even if I feel like every word I'm writing is rubbish, the most important thing is just to show up at the page and keep going. It's usually better than I think when I look back later. And by doing my little increments of a couple of thousand words a day, I am a third of the way through a 100,000 word novel.

"I don't know why it is that we fail to talk about art in terms of humble diligence. So much of making a career as an artist consists of the small strokes, the willingness to show up and try on a daily basis." - The Sound of Paper, Julia Cameron

Meanwhile, back at the laptop

Total word count: about 39,000
Today's word count: 2,000. I'm pleased with my progress today, though, because I've really managed to tidy up Chapters Five and Six. A lot of this week has been back-tracking, after I merrily jumped all over the place last week writing scenes from all parts of the book, and filling in some of the blanks. A couple of great characters have sprung up from nowhere to make the whole process more enjoyable.
I still feel like I need to do a late night sometime soon to push my progress forwards ... for some reason I can concentrate really well at night after LOML has gone to bed and everything is dark and quiet. Fewer distractions, maybe? Next week is going to have to be very intense work-wise. I need to get some more pages to my advisor, and I'd like them to be good. I might be working over the weekend.
Cups of coffee: Only three, but one was double-shot espresso. Am thinking of putting another pot on shortly (but really must do some cleaning first ... housework has been sadly neglected this week. Luckily, over the years I have perfected the ability to vacuum, do the dishes and polish with one hand, so I can read at the same time).
What's playing: still Jukebox by Cat Power. Love that album.

I also managed to do my morning pages today - hurrah! It's meant to be three pages of longhand free writing before you start your day, but my attention span only runs to two pages. I find longhand very frustrating, because I can't write as fast as I think. Which means it's probably a very good exercise for me, as I'm forced to slow down. I'm going to try and get into the habit of doing these daily ... we'll see how it goes.

Field Trip

Total word count: 37,000
Today's word count: 1,000. Slightly pathetic, I know, but I did spend a lot of time un-knotting the tangle that my latest chapters have become. Would like to see at least another thou by the end of the day, but have slipped into the usual lassitude that follows a productive day so I don't know how likely that is.
Cups of coffee: Only three so far!
What's playing: a brand new CD - Jukebox, by Cat Power. It's great ... the sort of soulful-bluesy-folksy-girlie thing that I love and my husband abhors. Better make the most of it before he comes home.

So today I packed up my bags and headed to a cafe to do some work. Got a bit cabin-fevery, especially after all the rain yesterday. I sat with a pile of print-outs and scrap paper and tried to get my head around how chapters five onwards are going to pan out, and remind myself to carry through some of the threads I had already started. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed (or a lot), so this was definitely helpful.

Am tired. Why am I so tired lately? It's not as if I'm scaling mountains or lifting cars with one hand. I'm just sitting at a computer for most of the day. But it seems like around this time of day a grey mist comes down in front of my eyes and my head fills up with feathers and all I want to do is snooze on the sofa. Weird.